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Curtis Wright (Father and Custodial Parent).   You can follow Curtis Wright at www.curtiswrightonline.com and link to his FaceBook, Twitter and LinkedIn sites.

8/23/2015

9 Comments

 
Parental, Grandparental and Extended Family Alienation...Child Abuse, Plain and Simple!

Several decades ago, our American society accepted the principal of “No-Fault Divorce”. Our acceptance of this immoral, if not irresponsible, Public Policy has been, by far, one of the leading causes to our societal decline. Added to that failed ‘Body of Law’ and Public Policy, has been the accepted principals of Child Custody, imposed by less than competent Judges, of “who writes the check vs. who provides the bed”. Such public policy has caused massive damage to the foundations of our once ‘healthy, functional and productive society’. Now, after two generations of children who have been the ‘victims’ of these immoral and failed public policies, we find ourselves with tens-of-millions of dysfunctional children young adults, Parents, and Grandparents. The once transformative social framework and ‘healthy influences of the family’ have not just been undermined, but in many ways, almost obliterated. At the least, the social and moral ‘reference point’ of the family structure, including ‘Parental Responsibility and Family Member Value’, has been severely undermined. More recently, with the additional influences and effects of our societal acceptance of the LGBTQ lifestyle, and its secular values, with its advocacy of ‘non-Parental Value’ and ‘unimportance of traditional influence of Father and Mother’, the further decline and damage to our social structures, and negative effects on our children, will continue to expand.

The ‘Family Law’ Judicial system, Government Policy, and contemporary societal shifts in values and morals has relegated ‘The Parent’, ‘The Grandparent’, and even the ‘Extended Family Member’, upon Divorce, to a position of ‘disposable assets’ in the lives of children and maturing young adults. Our acceptance and advocacy of such principals has been nothing less than “Child Abuse”. Yes, “Child Abuse”!

Far too much of the public debate and court wrangling on this immense public threat has been focused on the Parents of children caught up in Divorces. Again, the importance has been “who writes the check vs. who provides the bed”. Grandparents and Extended Family Members are almost always, if ever, the last issue on the minds of Arbitrators, Judges, and Guardian Ad Litems in Divorce Custody cases. Although the Law and Judges in Child Custody cases have so eloquently proclaimed “The Best Interests of the Child should be the Polar Star that should guides all decisions”, instead, the ‘cheap’, ‘expedient’, and ‘less time consuming’ Custodial solutions and provisions are mostly accepted and imposed. And, the first to be marginalized in the Custody Orders are the ‘Non-Custodial Parent’, the ‘Grandparent(s)’, and the ‘Extended Family Member(s)’: vital and fundamental influences necessary for the maturing child, young Adult, and future Parent.

Because our society, our bureaucratic and incompetent Judicial System, and our less than attentive elected Officials has both supported and accepted such failed Laws and public polices, we now are living with millions of dysfunctional children, young Adults, and Adults, while ignoring the additional tens-of-millions of shattered lives of Parents, Grandparents and Extended Family Members. Our Society’s failings in Public Schools, Crime Prevention, Government competence, individual employment and upward mobility, and even private business innovation and productivity have all been dramatically affected by our acceptance of this failed public policy of ‘No Fault Divorce and Child Custody’ and ‘disposable Family Members’!

The solution to this ‘National Crisis’ is actually very simple! Many States have already taken corrective action and are reaping positive societal effects:

  • First, the “No-Fault Divorce and Child Custody” Laws must be re-written to clearly designate “Co-Parental Responsibility” as “In The Best Interest of the Child”; and,

  • Second, unless there is a well documented, not fabricated, issue and history of child abuse, child neglect, or ‘parental incompetency’, Custody Orders should impose “Co-Parenting” and “Child Rights” provisions. Such provisions must include “equal access” by the Child to Parents, Grandparents and Extended Family Members. Not “reasonable”, but clearly definable “equal access”: and,

  • Third, Custody Orders should include and require equal financial and ‘physical’ support, involvement, and decision making by each Parent in the child’s education, extra-curricular activities, and social life; and,

  • Fourth, Custody Orders should clearly define elements of swift punishment for the Parent (who should also be held responsible for the actions of the Grandparents and Extended Family Members on their side of the Family) that violates any provisions that, in fact, have been designated “In The Child’s Best Interest(s)” – not “The Parent’s Best Interest(s)”, “The Child’s Best Interest(s)”; and,

  • Lastly, the Laws must be revised so that Parents have well defined and ‘reasonable remedies’ to challenge and have punished any Judge, Court Official, Teacher or Education Administrator, Law Enforcement Official, etc. that interferes with the clearly defined provisions of the Custody Order – such should be viewed under such Laws in the same manner as “Child Abuse”. 

Our ‘learned’ and so-highly educated Judges have argued that the principal of such “Co-Parenting Responsibilities” and “Child’s Rights” in Custody Orders is “unrealistic”. They argue that the reason the Courts are involved in Custody cases is that the Parents have “failed in establishing a responsible working relationship” in dealing with each other and with their parental responsibilities. Thus, they argue, such parents cannot be expected to fulfill the demands of “Co-Parental Custody” responsibilities. This is a misguided, unfounded, and, as we have now experienced, dangerous argument for keeping our existing, dysfunctional and failed Child Custody policies. Anyone with any intelligence, after spending any time examining the years of failure in our existing Child Custody system, and decisions of our Judges, would understand dramatic action for change is required.

In closing, it’s important to return to the most important issue regarding “No Fault Divorce and Child Custody” in America: such failed policies have resulted in creating tens-of-millions of dysfunctional children, young Adults, and future parents, while shattering of the lives of tens-of-millions of Parents, Grandparents and Extended Family Members. The result has been ‘Child Abuse’, plain and simple...and it must end!
9 Comments
Elaine K
8/23/2015 08:29:47 am

I couldn't agree more. Great read.

Reply
Vicky Meyers
8/27/2015 05:03:57 am

I, too, agree. Laws have to be rewritten with children in mind. If we are going to heal our lands we need to heal our children.

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Ann Davidson
9/16/2015 02:30:19 pm

Really well written article and good food for thought.

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Tammy Finer
12/21/2015 06:22:38 am

With regard to the Family Court System, which was put in place to "Protect Families", the word FAMILY includes Mother, Father, & Children. However, once an action is filed with the court, the alienation begins when the judge sees the custodial parent as the "all good" & the non-custodial parent as the "dollar sign". Too many times the NCP's child support order is not commensurate with their education level & earning capacity which puts the NCP in a no-win situation of wanting to support their children, but needing to provide for their own basic needs. The judge doesn't take into account that both parents deserve to live in dignity & protect their own health. One parent takes vacations with the children while the other works 6 days a week, 12 hour days, goes without health insurance, lives in their car & eats from garbage cans. What a wonderful message the court is teaching the children. Your parent is good for one thing & that is to make enough money so that you can continue to live in the manner of which you are accustomed & further validates & encourages the "all good" parent's revengeful attitude toward their ex-spouse. It's as if the court itself is punishing the NCP for getting a divorce in the first place. If the court doesn't care about the well-being of the ENTIRE family, then why would the "all good" parent & children? The Family Court's way of doing business is ABUSIVE, UNFAIR, UNEQUAL, UNBALANCED, & is failing the very families it opens it's doors to.

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Arek Zoltowski
5/20/2016 01:02:44 am

There was a recent UN Human Rights Decision adopted in Geneva on 7 December 2015 in relation to child alienation and a child removal from a parental authority of a father administered by the Australian Government - I am an author of it. Decision number is easy to look up, just Google CCPRE 2279/2013

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Stephanie
6/5/2016 01:29:03 am

I believe that the "systems" have gone away from the value of why it was created. You must vet the interest of the child. The parents are within reason my believe their own point of views from their relations to their parents or not...The win must be for the child.

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Tiffany
6/25/2016 11:38:34 am

I am on both sides of this issue, two different states, and niether one works for the CHILD! I have made sure that my ex has always had as much time with our children as he could, (he lives 15 hrs away, by choice, and gets his support reduced for travel expenses, even though I have always met him half way or more) my kids see him at least 5-6 times a year for anywhere from 2 weeks to all summer, and he comes here frequently and spends several days with them. We pay twice as much child support for my ONE step-son, as we get for my TWO children combined! My ex is very well off, but is best friends with his boss and gets them to make a "fake" check stub so child support doesn't get raised. My child support enforcement officer said they can't do ANYTHING about it, cause he provides the required proof! We haven't seen my step-son in 10 years, and his mom recently tried to bribe my husband during a phone hearing, right in front of the Jude! She told him she wanted three things:1. Sign a statement so his son can get a passport, 2. Let his son change his last name to the mother's maiden name, 3. Give up all rights to his son. In exchange, he would never have to pay child support again. We were disgusted that she thought this was an option! Of course we refused, but it's sickening that the judge not only allowed her to do this, he accepted it, and wanted a response! We haven't been able to contact his son in over 6 years, she changed her phone, moved, and was able to keep him from us, all without ANY accountability, because she knew we couldn't afford to fight her! My husband was out of work for two years on disability from serving our country, and our family of six, living on $700 a month, is expected to pay $500 a month in child support! My husband had to pull out his retirement, which was not even enough to pay our bills for six months, but we made it work. My husband said he'd gladly hand over all his money, if only he could see his son, and I agree. When we finally were at risk of being homeless with four kids, he tried to get the child support modified, just until he was able to get his medical issues addressed (the VA is a whole other government slap in the face!) and able to go back to work. She kept getting the hearing postponed by using every excuse, as child support kept adding up, until our entire tax return went straight to her. Then, the Judge slapped us in the face again by ordering no change, since my husband at one time (15yrs ago, before he had 4 more children, diagnosis of degenerative disk disease, ptsd, depression, hearing loss, vision loss, severe arthritis, a brain anomaly, endocrine issues, migraines, seizures,) was making enough money to pay that amount! One good thing that came from it, is that we finally were able to get an address, though no phone #. My husband immediately wrote a heart-felt letter to his son. He told him how much he loves him, what he means to him, and filled him in on the last 10 years of our lives. He never once said anything negative or blamed, or anything, just wanted to talk. His son sent a three sentence reply: "Thank you for the letter. You aren't a part of my life, nor do I want you to be. Please don't contact me again." His mother has told him since he was three, that his dad got a new family and didn't want him any more. She has blamed us for traumatizing our son and causing emotional distress. She has even tried to say that we should have no rights to him at all because we have not had contact with him in so long! We had to move away when we couldn't make enough money in the tiny town we lived in, to pay child support, and even though we had documents adjusting visitation for the move, she has refused ANY contact since then. We were able to talk to him on the phone for about 2 years, but only on HER schedule, while SHE listened, and only about things that SHE approved. When my two little kids(4,6) didn't understand why they couldn't see their brother and asked him on the phone when he was gonna come see us, she took the phone from him and threatened my husband that if the kids asked him ANYTHING like that again, we wouldn't have any more contact. 3 times, my husband borrowed money to get a plane ticket, rent a car, pay for a hotel, and had made a complete plan with his ex to spend three days with his son, and when he got there, all he did was try to get a hold of her cause she wouldn't respond and never followed through. On his way back to the airport, he would finally get through to her and she would say that they were just to busy with play dates and soccer games! We finally couldn't afford the expenses any more, and she moved and changed her #, and anything we sent was returned.

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Judy schnese
3/31/2018 06:09:55 am

Wonderful article. Thank you very much.

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Ciprian
10/21/2018 06:50:23 pm

Thank you Curtis for this article, equal share parenting should be the default rule in all Family Courts!

Reply



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